Wedding Planning for the Bitter Bitches

Not that I hate weddings and romance, and I’m very excited to marry the man of my dreams, but the girlie girls, and weddings, are irritating. Wedding dresses that cost 6 grand? Fuck off. Wedding colors and daisies and etc etc etc… fuck off. Wedding vendors and catering… FUCK OFF. I want a party for my friends and family that have supported me in this relationship, I want champagne and dancing, and I want people to see me and the love of my life dedicate ourselves to our future and each other. I don’t want hokey ceremonies (the mother and the candle thing? whaaa??). I don’t want to be part of the wedding industrial complex. And I don’t want a million pop-up ads all over every site I visit to suggest “photographers!” “invitations!” “the best DJ in town!” and so on forever and ever. Seriously… this is getting exhausting.

We don’t have any family, really, to help with the cost of everything. We’re both old enough that we’re already drowning in our own bills and responsibilities- divorce, job loss, etc. My mom has offered up 500 bucks for anything we need. Other than that, I’m dipping into some stocks I have saved up. I’m not going to spend 10K on this, even if it is my “special day”. I’m not gonna be a bridezilla princess, hell, I even felt guilty asking my friends to be my bridesmaids, because they are busy with lives and families of their own. I bought two wedding dresses second hand- one for 40 bucks, the other for 10. With the cost of some dry cleaning and alterations on both, I’m still under 100 bucks. I’m gonna wear black combat boots with them, because that’s just ME. I’m gonna make my own cake with the help of a friend, and have my own friends who are DJs and Photogs and bar tenders etc. help us out. It’s going to be a real “familial” event, even though most of my family won’t really be involved. So why is it still gonna cost SO DAMN MUCH?!? Every place I’ve been to that I can rent out for the event has quoted me one price at the start, then they tack on “catering, gratuity, decoration packages, etc” and it blows it out of proportion. I just want a PLACE to have a group of people in. You tack on the word “wedding” and dollar signs light up in these people’s eyes. I’m not gonna do this in a church, because I’m not religious. I’m not going to do this at a courthouse because I want something to feel special and unique about this, I’m not planning on ever doing it again. I just want to be able to have a wedding, something I never thought I’d really do, and have it be classy without being barf-my-guts-up-all-over-Pinterest fluffy and fussy. Is that too much to ask?!?

I have always mocked love.

 

I don’t want to answer questions about colors, or take pictures of the rings, or make an appointment at a spa or beauty parlor. I wanna put on a pretty dress, walk past people in attendance, say that I love him with all my heart and the “i dos” and then be able to call him husband. It’s really not that complicated people! Your capitalism disgusts me! *cringes*

Here’s some interesting shit I’ve found out about US weddings, that just makes my skin crawl.

The $$COST$$ of a wedding is astronomical:

• In 2013 it was reported that the average cost of a wedding is now $29,858. That’s a downpayment on a house in most areas (or an entire house in Detroit).
• 1 in 8 couples spends more than $40,000 on their wedding (these don’t include the honeymoon).
• If you’re planning on getting married anywhere in New York, those budgets are 40K to 86K.
• But good new! Idaho is the cheapest at an average of around $16,000 (and… it’s Idaho).
• The venue you choose is going to run you the most… as in, typically over $10,000 the most.
• But don’t forget the ring!! Plan on dropping $5,000 or so on that.
• The US spends $72 billion a year on weddings. That’s with a B, other bitter bitches.
• There are over 6,000 weddings a day, and 1/3 of those people have been married before. Break that down… that’s 6,000 of these average of $29,000 weddings EVERY. DAY.

Localize this:

In Utah we are a little bit off center-

• The cost is slightly lower, but ya know, still on average $25,722 buckaroos.
• Our average age to get married is lower than the national average. Utah is 25/26 where the national average is 29/31. That shocked me, I was expecting to see 22 or so. But that doesn’t exclude second marriages. Most of my friends are on number 2 or 3, because we get married SO young, there’s room for repeats when you realize getting married at 19 was stupid.
• We have a special market for ‘modest’ wedding wear, so some brides can wear their dresses on temple grounds.
• No surprise here- there are more wedding guests at a Utah wedding than on average by about 50 guests.

 

I’ve caught so many of these it is now considered a full fledged hostage situation.

I’m not a wedding expert, but this is exhausting trying to play the game. You wanna know how to do a wedding right? You just get married. Wherever, whenever, however you want. You take the person you love, and in front of your friends and family, or NOBODY if you’d like, you pledge to be committed to each other.

What REALLY makes a good marriage is the relationship- (tallied from all the How To lists out there, these were the most common):

• Don’t fight over money- this is the number 1 relationship argument.
• Communicate and negotiate
• Spend time together
• Spend time alone doing things you like
• Show respect- say thank you, never call names
• Be intimate- touch, hugs, kisses, and yeah, married couples still have sex.

 

Actually- I’ve found one thing I’m not bitter about 😉

Oh… and that first thing on there— maybe, just maybe, don’t doom the marriage by getting 30K into debt on day one. Just a thought.

Stats from: XOgroupinc and The Knot; Soundvision.com; Weddingreport.com; statisticbrain.com; twoofus.org